Experiencing an earthquake - things falling, buildings crumbling, liquefaction defiling, and even people dying - hits hard at our sense of security. This is not how things should be; it's not how we want it to be. It can leave us disorientated, distressed and heartbroken. Our initial experience is often one of shock. The events can seem surreal. We understand and experience new things by connecting them to what is known, but this level of devastation and tragedy is unknown to us, and so it can leave us disorientated. Often our emotions can be churned up and don't know where to settle. How do we recover and heal after such a time? How can we regain any sense of security in an environment that seems so uncertain? How we do this will differ from person to person, it will be unique and personal to each of us. Below are some thoughts that will hopefully prove helpful in dealing with your emotions.

The Initial Shock

When the mind believes it is in danger it releases adrenalin into our body as part of its "fight or flight" response. This is exactly what is needed when we are in actual danger but becomes unhelpful when we get caught in a 'startle reflex" where the adrenal gland seems to be on a hair trigger. When this happens a mild aftershock is experienced like the major quake itself. It's important in these times to learn to calm down. This can be done through breathing deeply, in a controlled manner. It helps the body to relax which helps the mind to relax. Since your mind will respond to what you think about, focusing on the worst case scenario of what could have happened and what might happen isn't helpful. When combined with the adrenalin in your system thinking this way only serves to traumatise you further. Try to centre your thoughts on the present on what is happening for you right now.

Anxiety

The ongoing aftershocks can keep you on edge and flood you with an emotional echo of the big quake. In these situations nothing bad is actually happening, it's just unpleasant to experience. As such it can be helpful to reassure yourself by focusing on things like: Is the earthquake increasing in strength? Are things falling down? Is anyone around me getting hurt? If not, don't allow the echo of the big quake to traumatise you and remain with you. Tell yourself, "This is just an aftershock, nothing bad is happening. These will happen for some time. I can ride them out, they are no threat to me."

Also check whether all your feelings are about now. Is there another feeling lurking under the anxiety? Consider what that might be, how it feels and ask yourself, "Have I felt this way before?", "Does this feeling remind me of another time?" Sometimes a sense of powerlessness or distress connects us to the emotional memory of another time and the feeling from that time then gets added to the feeling of this time. If that is the case for you it can be very useful to help your mind separate the two events so that you're only having to deal with the emotion that is specifically about now. Remind your mind that, "This feeling isn't about now, it comes from another time. That time has passed, that was then, this is now."

Anger

Often anger can surface in us as we try to protect ourselves from the pain of loss, or it can surface as misplaced fear. The feelings of insecurity, powerlessness and grief can be so strong that we don't want to feel that way and as a result we reach for anger to gain a sense of protection, power and control. When we're unaware of this our anger can spill out onto others through snapping, yelling or punishing in some other way. This hurts them and our relationship with them. Anger can feel useful to us, but check the result of it - is it actually helping or hurting? Are you ready to let it go and allow the other feelings underneath to surface? Remember, "This is a tough time; I need to be gentle on myself and those around me. This anger isn't meant for them. This anger won't help. I need help to deal with what's lurking underneath." Also, "I need to look after myself the best I can, with food and sleep, so I can have more to give."

Depression

When we feel powerless and/or have lost someone or something precious to us that we don't believe we can get back, this can be experienced as depression. The darkness of the time can feel overwhelming. It can feel never-ending. This is part of the grief experience. Remember, "This darkness is a tunnel I'm passing through at the moment; it is not the final word. I won't let the pain of loss suffocate the hope that still remains in life." Also, "It's not what happens to me that defines me but how I respond. How will I respond to this?"

Grief

Grief is learning to let go of what has gone and discovering how to cope and thrive in this new reality. We may be grieving the loss of a loved one, or the loss of our home or job, or even the loss of the routine of life we had. It's important to realise that although there may be different stages in grief these are only descriptive rather than prescriptive; each person grieves differently. Below is an outline of how one might grieve well.

• Firstly, we grieve well as we're able to let go of what was. Let the emotions come, let the tears come. Who you had in your life or what you had in your life was precious to you and letting go hurts. Where possible talk, share, cry with others. Shared experiences likes this can provide the needed support that releases emotions and supplies strength.
• Secondly, we grieve well when we look to what we still have. The despair at what has been lost can blind us to what we still have. Dwell on the good you do have around you and with that, the hope you still have. Who do you still have with you? Know that, "as important as the things I've lost may have been to me, they do not define me, they are not the entirety of my life. My life is so much more than houses and possession. The essence of who I am is deeper than any earthquake can reach." And again, "What has happened has happened and cannot be changed, however this does not define me, but rather how I respond."
• Thirdly, we grieve well as we begin to look to the future and reach out for the good that still awaits us. It may take some time before you feel settled enough to be able to do this. When you are ready you're able to recognise that your life is more than what you've lost, that it's okay to build a new life and move on.

Security

Security is a basic human need. We all need to know that our life is predicable and 0manageable. We can pin our security to the things that have shown themselves to predicable and often the physical centre of this security is our home. When our home is destroyed, defiled or violated in some way, or our income is in jeopardy it can leave us unhinged. When the predictable is now uncertain, how can we regain any sense of security? The truth is that it isn't easy. Here are a few suggestions.

Our security is not dependent on control, because in the end "control" is an illusion - we cannot control everything and there are some things we'll never be in control of. Our security is dependent on being adaptable; knowing that we have the resources to cope even if what we're facing isn't pleasant or desirable.

Our sense of security grows as we reach out to others and they reach out to us. Friends, family and complete strangers are reaching out with love and support to those suffering. As we accept this and allow them in, we know we are not alone in this. This intimate connection with them strengthens us. Being community is so important at this time.

For those who have a faith in God, security also comes from recognising that we are held in the grip of God, come what may. We know that even if we die we are still held in His grip, our body has simply fallen away. The grave is not the end.

So look after yourself, eat, sleep and keep breathing. Focus on what is needed right now in this moment. Reach out to others and allow others to reach you. Talk, cry and where you can, learn to laugh again.

Ma te Atua koe e tiaki -  May God take care of you

E Manaaki I nga wa katoa - And keep you at all times

Kia manawanui - Be stouthearted

Kia Kaha - Be strong